The Crazy Dentist and Other Naughty Stories for Good Boys and Girls Read online

  The Crazy Dentist

  and Other Naughty Stories for Good Boys and Girls

  published in 2011 by

  Hardie Grant Egmont

  Ground Floor, Building 1, 658 Church Street

  Richmond, Victoria 3121, Australia

  www.hardiegrantegmont.com.au

  EISBN 978 1 742736 11 2

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any means without the prior permission of the publishers and copyright owner.

  A CiP record for this title is available from the National Library of Australia

  Text copyright © 2011 Christopher Milne

  Illustration and design copyright © 2011 Hardie Grant Egmont

  Illustration and design by Simon Swingler

  Typesetting by Ektavo

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  The Crazy Dentist

  The Laziest Boy in the World

  The Ghost of Tamar’s Tunnel

  Roy the Dirty-Jobs Boy

  The Worst Kid in The World

  A Dim Sim-Eating Competition to Remember

  The Girl Who Had everything

  One afternoon, Dianne Edwards gutsed down two chocolate bars, a bag of chicken chips, two licorice straps, a litre of soft drink, three ice-creams and a family-size block of chocolate.

  The next day her teeth fell out.

  It might not surprise you to learn that Dianne was a big girl. Or that she didn’t mind a lolly or two. Which was never a problem because Dianne always had heaps of money. Her mum and dad worked a lot, so to keep her happy they gave her fifty dollars a week.

  She needed love, not money, but what’s a kid to do? She spent the cash.

  Poor Dianne tried three times to tell her mum about her teeth, but she was always too busy to listen. And then when her mum did notice, she was really angry. ‘Serves you right!’ she said. ‘All those lollies you eat.’

  Finally, they went to the dentist. Well, that’s not quite true. Dianne went by herself. Her parents had to work that day.

  Dianne hated the dentist. As she walked along the street to the dark-looking house where he worked, she felt sick. Sick and cold and scared. And really mad at her mum.

  Wouldn’t it be nice, thought Dianne, to just run away from everything? Mum and Dad included.

  Suddenly, there was a kid running straight at her, screaming, ‘Don’t go in! He’s crazy!’

  ‘Who?’ asked Dianne.

  ‘The dentist,’ said the kid. ‘He’s new. And he’s crazy. My brother says he just got out of the loony bin!’

  Then the kid’s mother was running after him, yelling, ‘Richard, come back here now! Did you hear me?’ But the kid was gone, running as fast as he could.

  Oh, terrific, thought Dianne. If she didn’t go to the dentist, her mum would kill her. If she did go, it sounded as if the dentist would do the same. As Dianne nervously opened the front door, she almost felt like fainting.

  Dianne only had to look at the dentist to know the kid was right. The dentist had sticky-out hair, thick glasses, bits of food in his teeth and a really loony smile. And he had come to the door with a hammer in his hand. If Dianne felt sick before, you can imagine how she felt now.

  ‘Now,’ said the dentist, ‘your mother told me on the phone you’ve been a very naughty girl. Too many lollies, is that right?’

  Dianne was too nervous to answer.

  ‘Well,’ said the dentist, dragging her into the chair, ‘let’s have a look, shall we? Mmm. Not good. Not good at all. You’ve lost a total of seven teeth, which leaves twenty-one. Might as well pull out the lot and start again.’

  Dianne’s eyes almost popped out!

  ‘Right,’ said the dentist, ‘I’d usually give you an injection for the removal of twenty-one teeth but since you’ve been a naughty girl — nothing. Your mother said to teach you a lesson.’

  Out of the corner of her eye, Dianne could see the dentist smiling as he reached into a cupboard for a huge pair of teeth puller-outers. He snapped them closed a couple of times, grinning, and whispered to himself, ‘Yes!’

  Inside, Dianne could feel herself saying a very big ‘No!’

  It’s funny how things happen. Sometimes, we have only seconds to make decisions that can change the whole of our lives. And this was one of those times. Dianne decided that if the dentist thought he was going anywhere near her teeth, he had another think coming.

  Dianne waited and waited, and just as the dentist reached into her mouth, she rammed her knee upwards. Bang! Right on the dentist’s chin.

  The dentist couldn’t believe it. He dropped the puller-outers and stood there. ‘Great,’ he said. ‘I love a fight!’

  As the dentist reached for his hammer, Dianne grabbed the drill, switched it on and stuck it straight into the dentist’s butt.

  ‘Ouch!’ screamed the dentist.

  But that wasn’t all. The turning drill grabbed at his pants, twisted them in a knot and gave him the wedgie of the year. Next, Dianne grabbed the sucker thing they put in your mouth and pushed it up his nose. The gurgling sound it made was something shocking. Gooberama!

  Last, but not least, she grabbed the tooth puller-outers and snapped them closed on the dentist’s knee-cap. The scraping sound they made was just like fingernails on a blackboard.

  The dentist groaned and blocked his ears, and Dianne made a break for it. She was gone in a flash!

  As she ran down the street, she thought to herself she had never felt better. She felt free. She felt as if she could run forever. Away! And she did.

  Running away felt great. Fantastic. But only for a while. Soon it became dark and Dianne felt cold and hungry and lonely. But there was no way she was going home. So she hung around a fast-food shop and watched other people wolf down burgers. She would have killed for a single hot chip.

  Later on still, the fast-food shop closed and Dianne had to leave. Suddenly, being free felt terrible. She was cold again and scared as well. A nasty-looking man walked past and Dianne jumped back in fright. Where would she go? What would she do?

  Just then, Dianne had the best piece of luck a girl could ever have. A nice old lady asked if she could help. Dianne explained what had happened and the lady said there was only one thing to do — ring her mum and dad and explain to them how unhappy she was.

  ‘They’ll be angry at first,’ warned the lady, holding out a dollar coin, ‘but my guess is everything will end up OK.’

  The lady was right. Dianne’s dad hit the roof when she first rang.

  ‘How dare you cause us all this worry!’ he screamed.

  ‘I didn’t think you’d miss me,’ said Dianne.

  That seemed to throw her dad. He didn’t say anything. Dianne could almost hear him thinking over the phone. And then, softly, her dad said, ‘Of course we miss you. What do you mean?’

  ‘Well,’ said Dianne, ‘I hardly ever see you. You’re always so busy.’

  Dianne’s dad started to get angry again. ‘That’s because we’re earning money,’ he yelled. ‘For food, to feed you! And buy you clothes!’

  ‘I don’t want clothes,’ said Dianne. ‘I just want you to love me.’

  There was another silence. Then her dad started to cry.

  These days, Dianne and her mum and dad are the best family you could ever find. They muck around together all the time. Dianne has even cut back on the lollies a bit.

  And the dentist is back in the loony bin where he belongs. Which is just as well
because it was only a week later that Dianne’s mother needed to go, too. She’d been interviewed on television — you know, those things where they ask people in the street about the latest movie — and she got so excited that her false teeth popped out and smashed on the concrete.

  Dianne’s mum had never been so embarrassed in her life! And you know what was even worse? On the very night it was shown on TV, every single one of her friends was watching. It didn’t surprise Dianne. She’d rung every one of them.

  ‘Big Butt’ Barton, or Rupert Clarence Barton to his parents, was the laziest kid I have ever known. So lazy that one day, he simply refused to get out of bed. Ever! Except to go to the toilet, of course. And even then he sat down for everything. But more of that later.

  It all began when Rupert was a baby. His parents thought he was the dearest little thing that ever breathed. To make Rupert happy, they gave him things. Anything and everything. Spoilt him rotten. Toys, cuddles, drinks and as much as he could possibly eat. Which was a lot.

  It wasn’t long before poor Rupert looked like a plastic blow-up baby that’d come out of the factory all wrong. Fat head, huge tummy and massive bum. When it came to changing Rupert’s nappy, volunteers were hard to find.

  As Rupert grew older, his parents continued to spoil him and unfortunately, it really messed him up. When people give you stuff all the time, it makes you unhappy. Because the fun of life is doing things. What is there to do if everything is done for you? So, you become sad and lazy, and sadness seems to make people tired. Which just makes you lazier still.

  Rupert didn’t ever make his bed. He threw his dirty clothes on the floor, never cleaned his teeth, never replaced a toilet roll, and left lolly wrappers all over the place. He never put the milk back in the fridge, he used the same tissues to blow his nose if the new box hadn’t been opened and he stuck chewed bubblegum on his bedroom wall.

  But a day came along when Rupert’s parents at last woke up to themselves. Rupert’s dad was cooking a surprise dinner for his mum when the phone rang. He yelled out to Rupert that it could be the really important call he was expecting — so would he please watch the chops frying on the stove?

  Rupert didn’t even bother to answer. He was watching TV and it was one of his favourite shows. Well, guess what? The chops caught fire and the kitchen burnt down. Five thousand dollars’ worth of damage.

  Rupert didn’t care. Why should he? They weren’t his chops.

  That night, Rupert’s dad said to his mum, ‘You know what? Our son is a pig. A lazy, selfish, disgusting pig!’

  So, when Rupert became so lazy that he refused to get out of bed, his father went off.

  ‘You will get up,’ screamed his father, ‘and you will get dressed for school. Otherwise you’re grounded for a month!’

  Grounded, thought Rupert, smiling to himself and snuggling in under the blankets. How much more grounded can I get?

  Although Rupert knew that his father was right about him being lazy and selfish, he was sure his mum wouldn’t be a problem. He could con her every time. Wrap her around his little finger. You see, his dad went off to work every day, leaving his mum, who worked from home, at Rupert’s mercy.

  Rupert waited until his dad had left for work, and then he started on his mum. ‘Mummy,’ he called from his bed. ‘I love you very, very much.’

  ‘And I love you too, darling,’ his mum replied.

  ‘Mummy, can I have some lunch?’

  ‘No, dear,’ his mum said. ‘Your father and I have agreed to no food — in fact, nothing at all until you get out of bed.’

  ‘Then you mustn’t love me at all.’

  ‘That’s not true.’

  ‘Then how could you make me starve? I’ve read about poor little kids like me. They feel unloved, they leave home, they fall off a cliff and they die with broken hearts.’

  It wasn’t too long before Rupert was propped up in bed with extra pillows munching into hamburgers, chips, fried chicken, onion rings, eggs and tomato sauce. Followed by ice-cream, lemonade and donuts.

  On the first night of his big lie-in, friends came around to see why he hadn’t been at school.

  ‘Because I can’t be bothered getting up,’ replied Rupert.

  ‘Fair enough,’ said his friends. ‘Cool!’

  That night, when Rupert’s father found him still in bed, he went berserk. He tried dragging Rupert onto the floor, but Rupert was too big to move. Apart from being huge, Rupert’s bottom had made a massive hollow in his mattress. It was like pulling an elephant out of quicksand.

  It wasn’t long before Rupert’s teachers began to ask questions. The newspapers as well. Someone had rung The Daily News and the headlines screamed, They’ve Made His Bed. Now He’s Lying In It!

  The story said that all kids get it too easy these days and it’s their parents’ fault. If something isn’t done soon, the newspaper said, the world will fall to bits. Suddenly Rupert was becoming famous.

  Television, radio and magazines all wanted to speak to Rupert and finally, one TV program said that if Rupert would speak to their show and their show only, they would pay him ten thousand dollars. An exclusive, it was called.

  Yes, yes, yes, thought Rupert.

  On the big day, Rupert looked out his window and it seemed as though he was the most important person in the world. There were trucks, people, cameras, lights and, if Rupert wasn’t mistaken, a man carrying a padlocked bag, which surely contained ten thousand beautiful bucks.

  There was a knock at the door. ‘Mum, Dad,’ yelled Rupert. ‘Quick, it’s them!’

  ‘Oh, really?’ said his dad, peering around the door. ‘Get it yourself.’

  ‘What?’ said Rupert. ‘I can’t. If I get up that means I’m not in bed and that means they won’t talk to me. It ruins everything!’

  ‘Love to help,’ said his dad, ‘but I just can’t be bothered. Sometimes life sucks, doesn’t it, Rupert?’

  ‘Mum,’ yelled Rupert. ‘Please!’

  ‘Can’t hear you properly,’ his mum called. ‘I’m in the kitchen cooking your favourite meal.’

  Poor Rupert. He did end up answering the door himself. He tried running quickly back to bed, but he tripped. Right in front of the man with the camera. Guess who was so big that he couldn’t get up again? Like a beached whale, he was. Coughing and spluttering and thrashing and sweating in his very smelly pyjamas.

  Rupert made it onto television, all right. But only as a joke. And the ten thousand bucks? No way.

  Rupert helps his mum and dad out a lot these days. And he’s never been happier. He’s still pretty big, but who cares? Size doesn’t matter. Some of us are big, some small and some medium. Big deal. In fact, Rupert’s only problem in life is sleeping. He keeps hearing a knock at the door.

  ‘Go near that tunnel again,’ yelled Megan’s father, ‘and you’re in big trouble. Do I make myself clear?’

  ‘Yes, Dad,’ replied Megan, knowing never to argue when her dad cracked it. No point in letting things get ugly. Especially with it being only a month since she was last grounded.

  Yet only twenty-four hours later, Megan and her friend Sophia were at the tunnel again. It was like a magnet! Megan knew it was very, very wrong of her to disobey her father and that she would later regret it ten times over. But she couldn’t help herself. She and Sophia were drawn to the tunnel. Drawn by the mystery of it all. I’d better explain…

  Megan and Sophia lived in the country and they were both crazy about horses. A couple of months before, on an organised trail ride, they had listened around the campfire to two old cattle men talking about a man who went missing years ago. A man who was never seen again. Jack Blair was his name.

  Apparently Jack had come into town one day looking for work. On the third night of his stay, Jack had too much to drink and got into a huge fight with a local named Clarry Brown. The next day, Jack didn’t turn up for his carrot-picking job, so everyone thought he must have had enough and left town. Shot through.

  But the
men around the campfire had noticed something. An old mineshaft on Clarry’s farm had suddenly been bricked up. Closed over the very next day. When one of the men joked to Clarry, ‘You didn’t chuck that poor Jack bloke down there, did you?’, Clarry seemed to come over all funny. He went red, mumbled something about the mine being dangerous, and then walked away.

  A couple of months later, police arrived in town and said they were looking for a missing person. A Jack Blair. But no-one said they knew anything. Sure, Jack had been there once, but that was it.

  People can be like that sometimes. When it comes to trouble and the police, memories can suddenly go missing. The men around the fire admitted that they too told the police nothing, but that hadn’t stopped them from wondering what had really happened that night.

  Some other people started wondering, too. Megan and Sophia.

  You see, Megan’s dad had often gone looking for gold down old mine-shafts and at the end of dark tunnels, and sometimes he took Megan with him. He’d once said that a lot of the tunnels and mine-shafts were connected, but most of them were too dangerous to explore. Especially Tamar’s Tunnel.

  The trouble was, Tamar’s Tunnel ran directly under Clarry Brown’s place. Megan and Sophie started wondering whether it would meet up with the bricked-up mine-shaft. Maybe they could find poor Jack Blair’s bones down there. Maybe they could solve a murder! It drove them mad.

  So one day, armed with torches, rope, pencils, paper and a compass, Megan and Sophia set out along Tamar’s Tunnel for the adventure of their lives. They were scared, but determined. Excited, but careful.

  Megan went first, with one end of the rope tied around her waist and the other end around Sophia’s. That way, if either of them did happen to stumble into a hole, the other would break their fall. Hopefully.

  The girls measured every step and each time the tunnel took a turn, they checked the compass and drew a line on the paper, like a map. They had already drawn the exact spot where the bricked-up shaft should be and, little by little, they could see they were getting closer. Megan was beginning to feel sick with excitement.